


I Had an Affair with Colonel Sanders!

by AngelsGuts



Category: Hazbin Hotel (Web Series), KFC "Colonel Sanders" Commercials
Genre: Alastor and Husk are at the end but they're not important so I won't add them into the main tags, M/M, Please make this catch on it's so funny to me thank you, This isn't dirty but there's implied NSFW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2020-11-15
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:46:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,622
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27580217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsGuts/pseuds/AngelsGuts
Summary: The 80's... What a time. A time before Valentino, a time before Harland was able to really gain his footing in the new world he was forced to endure : Hell.Why he was there, he didn't know, but he found himself pondering the question frequently. With his new look and the new, brutal truth of his reality, he'd taken to a lot of alone time. It made for a pretty dull and unfulfilling life, or, afterlife.He finds himself standing outside of his little business, just staring at the rambunctious liveliness down the road. In his bout of loneliness, a certain spider approaches him, and they kick it off from there.-This... MAY be the beginning of a bit of a series. Probably not, but it might! I have the idea that Angel and Colonel Sanders had a sort of casual, friends-with-benefits sort of relationship, and they had their own little struggles and everything, of course, until work whisked them both away and they simply lost contact.Anyway. Enjoy!
Relationships: Angel Dust/Colonel Sanders
Comments: 3
Kudos: 3





	I Had an Affair with Colonel Sanders!

Life in Hell was never promised to be a cakewalk. In fact, much the opposite : Hell was supposed to wear and tear at you. It was punishment.

Harland David Sanders never thought himself to be a bad man, however. In fact, much the opposite! Sure, he was a little temperamental, a bit feisty, but was that truly enough to damn a man to Hell? Was he not allowed to enjoy his hard-earned money? Status? He had worked so hard! Gone through so much struggle through  _ so much _ of his life! Could he not reap his rewards?! Surely  _ that  _ wasn’t why he was here… He made some sort of mistake in his life, some sort of big flaw. He wasn’t sure what it was… The stool? The eggs? He didn’t know. Perhaps he never would.

Regardless of why he was here, he was, and he had to come to terms with that. Sooner rather than later, if he wanted to keep up and survive. Still, he found himself mourning every once in a while, especially at night.

He always tried to drown the feeling out with the television or with a book… Cooking, sometimes, even, or cleaning his little restaurant that hadn’t gotten the chance to take off yet. He had only been in Hell for a couple of years now, after all, and he had to, once more, build from the ground up. It would be a struggle, but that was the point of Hell, wasn’t it? To struggle?

The multitudes of distractions did nothing for the Colonel that night. His mind buzzed with upset as he considered what he had, if only for a taste of time. How well his hard work had finally paid off, only for him to crumble at the hands of God. What had he done? What had he done? What had he done?

Harland patted his hands onto his apron, flour clouding around his hips at the contact. He hadn’t even been able to get through the breading process…

Pathetic…

He slipped the fabric off and hung it on the knob of the door before stepping out of his cramped little kitchen. With a stretch and a sigh, he decided that nothing would be better for him than a bit of fresh air.

When he stepped outside, he could hear lively music and the squeals of life down the road. He had taken up a small building that served as a kitchen and dining area below and an apartment up above, which was convenient for living, but not quite so convenient for being out and away from the hustle and bustle of young life that taunted him regularly.

He was far too old for it, now. At least, he felt that way. Truly, his body had taken on a strong form, with nicely carved muscles and a thick chest, sturdy like brick. Long black horns protruded from the top of his head and curved backwards to cup the natural curve of his skull, allowing the points to fall just before pointed ears. A long tail swished behind him, sharp teeth cut at his lips, his scelaras were dark… It was just enough bastardization to his otherwise cheery, mature appearance, that he felt like it was a mockery. It must have been… 

The warm air filling his lungs was thick and unpleasant; he didn’t know why he’d expected anything else. The street was empty, at least where he was standing, and the loud noises and lights flashing from the club a little ways away wasn’t exactly soothing. Still, he found himself staring, leaning against the brick of the wall and imagining…

It had always been lonely down here… He felt so odd, so out of place amongst the other sinners of Hell. His mind was old and experienced, his body young and spry. His heart was tattered but his soul continued on. He was a walking contradiction in every sense of the word, and it had kept him holed up in his restaurant for the two years he’d been in Hell at all.

He didn’t know how his mind had gotten so far from him, but he was very quickly brought back to the present when a demon stumbled up to him.

It was a tall, lanky thing. White and pink and gussied up in the latest fashions. They appeared female, dressed femininely, but when they spoke Harland wasn’t so sure. Their accent didn’t help him pinpoint a gender, surely, and Hell had a weird way of changing people in ways that didn’t match the human ideas of gender. He reserved his final declaration.

“Heeyyy sweet thang!~ What’re you doin’ out here all by your lonesome?~”

Perhaps they weren’t the most dignified of demons, but the Colonel desperately needed attention. He’d gone so long without any true interaction that at this point he’d take anything.

“Just… Thinking. Trying to clear my head.”

The other demon nodded, one of many hands going through their hair as another braced themselves against a wall. It was obvious they weren’t sober, but Harland was able to tell that the moment they approached him. Their wide smile revealed sharp teeth, akin to his own, and for a moment he took in the image of this demon, eyes closed and smile bright, giggling as they tried to regain balance.

After a moment, they dug around in their chest area and pulled out a small tin. They cracked it open to reveal thin cigarettes, only a few remaining from the pack.

“Need a drag, babything?~” The demon asked. The colonel stared at the tin for a moment, then sighed.

He might as well.

The other demon insisted on doing it all themselves, slipping a cigarette from the carton and drunkenly slipping it between the Colonel’s lips. With some giggle-filled shooshing and a bit too much touching, they fumbled for a lighter - also in their chest area - and lit it.

Harland took a drag.

The demon next to him mirrored his leaning against the wall, lighting their own cigarette and taking a drag before speaking.

“Whatcha got on the mind?”

Harland was quiet for a moment. His thoughts raced around him but he struggled to pick one out - especially one he was comfortable sharing.

“Just… Hell.”

“You can say that again.”

The Colonel chuckled.

“Kinda weird down here, huh?”

“Mm…” Harland took another drag, “Yeah… Do you ever think… You were put here wrongfully?”

The other demon snorted. Their eyes dulled as they shook their head, pulling in a longer drag than they had taken that night. “Nope. I’m prolly here for a lotta things.”

The Colonel noticeably bristled. The other demon just laughed. It was a bitter laugh, enough so that it frightened the Colonel. Had he said something wrong? His first encounter and he’d met someone - surprise surprise - worthy of Hell? IN Hell?

The other demon didn’t do anything, though. Nothing outside of keep talking.

“What’s your name?”

Harland smiled sadly. “People called me The Colonel back when I was alive. Colonel Sanders to some. You can just call me Harland, though… Title don’t mean nothin’ down here…”

The demon nodded, offering a sympathetic look.

“Name’s Anthony.”

“It’s nice to meet you, Anthony.”

The two stood in silence for a moment. It was nice, just enjoying the company of another. Still, too long was too long, and rather than have Anthony leave, Harland opted to extend their time together.

“You hungry, Anthony? You look like you haven’t eaten in days.” He offered a playful smile. It was matched with an immediate brightening of the other demon’s presentation.

“I’d kill for some food right now!” He noticed Harland bristle and laughed, dismissing him with the waving of a hand, “Not literally, promise.”

Harland’s smile returned. “Yanno, I used to own a whole restaurant chain back when I was alive. You care to try some of my famous 11 herb ‘n spice chicken?”

Anthony twirled his finger, a coy smirk on his face. “‘s that an innuendo?~”

The Colonel’s face flushed. “W-well now, I-”

He hadn’t meant for it to be, but…

His thoughts were cut off by Anthony’s laugh. “I’m just teasin~ ‘less that’s what’cha want, babykins~”

“And that’s the story of the FIRST night I blew Colonel Sanders,” Angel concluded cheek resting on his hand with a dreamy look in his eyes.

“Oh my good God, Angel,” Alastor groaned, grip tightening around his microphone.

“I don’t believe it, not for a second,” Husk huffed before throwing back a kiss of vodka. “You might be a hotshot, but you’re tryin’ to tell me you had an affair with Colonel Sanders?”

“Uhhh, yeah? Why the fuck would I make that up? Also, I had multiple affairs with the Colonel!”

Alastor stood up, loudly shoving the chair he was sitting in backwards as though to make a point. “That’s quite enough, I don’t want to stay here any longer if you’re going to delve into  _ that  _ part of the story.”

“Yeah, yeah, leave! I know what I did. I don’t need you OR pretty kitty over there to agree with me OR believe me! What we had went on for a good couple’a years before work whisked us away from each other. It was beautiful! YOU’RE just jealous!”

“Couldn’t be lesser so!~” Alastor declared as he made his way out of the dining room. Angel turned in his chair to watch him go.

“Whatever!!!!” He called to him, before turning back to look at Husk. Husk raised an eyebrow. “Don’t fuckin’ speak, I don’t wanna hear it. Charlie will believe me.”

Angel stood, now on a hunt to share his story elsewhere.

“Good luck with that,” Husk grumbled, “I’ve had enough brain rot for one day.”


End file.
